2013-06-04

Co.Labs

Satirizing Google Glass: The Best Of Both Worlds, At The Same Time, Always

Soon, while I’m doing what I normally do in my super full life--hot air balloon rides, ice sculpting, trapeze work--Google Glass will allow me to do more things I love at the same time, like check flight statuses, discreetly review locker room footage, and host video conferences from the back of my best friend’s Vespa.



To Luddites, Google Glass looks pretty much like glasses without lenses, but with a screen-thing over one eye that helps you surf the web inside your head. Lens-free glasses are cool because they make you like a 2011 barista or 2012 NBA star. But Google Glass is cooler still.

Soon, while I’m doing what I normally do in my super full life--hot air balloon rides, ice sculpting, trapeze work--Google Glass will allow me to do more things I love at the same time, like check flight statuses, discreetly review locker room footage, and host video conferences from the back of my best friend’s Vespa. And I’ll do it all with equal parts cyber-passion, robo-efficiency, and modern style.

Style is particularly important to me because I’m always . . . alone with my things, and they demand a certain level of reverence. Luckily, Glass comes in five colors: Charcoal, Shale, Sky, Tangerine, and Cotton. Some may say Cotton is just white, but those are the same people who order a club soda in a restaurant and have no idea when the waiter brings them a seltzer.

I plan on buying Glass in all five colors, so I can decide which one to wear depending on my mood and the occasion. Shale if I’m feeling mysterious, and Tangerine, for, like, when I go fruit picking with my family of avatars.

It’s a relief to know that our pilots will be able to keep one eye on their grandmas’ Facebook feeds while landing in storms. And trapped miners, in their dark caves, will never be bored again, for about four hours. This product gives us all the excitement of the digital world on top of the usually boring physical world--and better yet, it's always there. That liberates us from our newest prison, the slight inconvenience. It puts the appetizer, entrée, and dessert, all on the same plate, just as though we didn’t know we always wanted it.

Glass unshackles our hands from our smartphones, so we can grab life by the handlebars, while still keeping our brain one foot in an entirely other mental sphere. It frees our doughy bodies from these tyrannical chairs, which have kept us away from so many extreme sports, esoteric hobbies, and tender moments with loved ones that wouldn’t exist if unrecorded--all, while liberating us to accomplish mundane computer-related tasks simultaneously, like checking the weather in irrelevant places.

Google is omnipotent, omnipresent, and omni-fashion-forward. I'm proud to have outsourced my work to my array of gadgets and things, which then source it right back to me. Finally, we are one evolutionary step closer to reaching our full potential: Constantly sort-of working.

Brendan Flaherty is an L.A.-based writer with the tech know-how of a silverback. He has written for trade publications, marketing companies, and McSweeney's--and he is currently working on a novel that blends all that into a slurry of despair. Look for forthcoming pieces in the Los Angeles Review and the New York Observer. Follow him @BrendanFlaherty.

[Image: Flickr user Paul Hart]


Article Tags: Glass makes life suck





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